






















Class_ GV \ % \ 

Book _ . S ? 

Gopyjight N°_ 

COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 

. 







THE 


JOYS OF SPORT 


BV 

W. Y. STEVENSON 


Illustrated by G. R. Brill 


PHILADELPHIA 


HENRY AETEMUS COMPANY 





Q09 1 Q 

' ■' vr ^ ■ * tj 


Library of Congress! q ^ ^ 

Two Copies Received 

NOV 34 1900 

A^t'Zc 

SECOND COPY 

Delivered to 

ORDER DIVISION 

OFC 15 1900 


Copyright, 1900, by 
Henry Altbmus 


The Author and the Publishers wish to acknowl¬ 
edge the courtesy of William L. McLean, Esq. , in 
permitting the re-issue of these Sketches , in book 
form , after their appearance hi the columns of The 
Philadelphia Evening Bulletin. 







DEDICATED TO 


CAPTAIN EDWARD HEACOCK 




>> 


A master of craft 













WARNING 


This Book has no object or mission con¬ 
cealed within its cover, ready to spring out 
suddenly and jab you in the solar plexus before 
you have time to side step. It was not written 
for the purpose of improving your mind, your 
morals or your manners. They say, however, 
that when doing anything connected with 
sports, colossal nerve is the prime requisite; 
hence in placing these sketches before you I 
can at least lay claim to more than my share 
of that commodity. Nevertheless, if you hap¬ 
pen to have any time to kill, which you feel 
sure deserves to die a horrid death, you can 
hardly find a better method for its cruel 
slaughter than the perusal of the following 
pages. 


THE AUTHOR. 













































CONTENTS 


Salt Water Fishing. 9 

Fencing.17 

Sailing.23 

Pigeon Shooting.29 

Boxing.37 

Track Athletics.43 

Polo.51 

Bear Hunting . ..57 

Automobiling.63 

Fresh Water Fishing .71 

Fox Hunting.79 

Basket Ball.85 

Cricket.91 

Tennis.97 

Bicycling.103 

Base Ball. 109 

Deer Hunting.117 

Pool and Billiards.125 

Rowing.133 

Skating.141 


7 






















8 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


Gawf.149 

Swimming.159 

Football.167 

Duck Shooting.173 

Hand Ball.179 

Crabbing.185 

Hunting Mud Hens. 193 

Coasting.201 

Horse Racing.209 

Croquet.215 

Bowling. 221 














THE JOYS OF SPORT 


SALT WATER FISHING 


A BLUE FISH has by no means 
the sad, apathetic nature 
which might be expected 
from his name. On the con¬ 
trary, he is of an aggressive and vora¬ 
cious turn of mind and prompt to 
grasp any opportunities that come his 
way. 

The “ opportunities ” tendered him 
by most fishermen have a string at¬ 
tached to them. In fact, they en¬ 
deavor to string him as much as 
they possibly can. In pursuing this 

nefarious design they employ lead 

9 


10 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


squids shaped somewhat like men¬ 
hadens, with large hooks on one end. 
These are attached to long, stout lines 
and trailed behind a sail boat, thus 
producing the effect of swimming fish. 

You may go out regularly for a 
week, cruise all along the coast and 
not see a sign of a blue fish, or you 
may he out for half an hour and catch 
a dozen. The uncertainty lends zest 
to this sport, and is its chief charm, 
but I would strongly advise any one of 
pessimistic disposition to eschew blue 
fishing entirely, as he is quite likely to 
have to subsist principally on hope and 
mouldy sandwiches for an indefinite 
period. 

When you try weakfishing you 
usually catch sea robins and croakers. 
(The latter have nothing in common 
with the Tammany boss, which may 




“The uncertainty lends zest to this sport.” 








































■ 























































































































SALT WATER FISHING 


13 


readily be deduced from my statement 
that they are easily caught.) But now 
and then one comes across the record 
of a fisherman haying actually cap¬ 
tured a real weakfish. This is poor 
sport at best, however, and anyone 
who can pull in a line at a reasonably 
steady rate of speed is certain to make 
a big haul. 

The greatest of the many joys of 
fishing is the cleaning of these sub¬ 
marine birds. When a fish is dead, a 
kind of slime appears on his corpse, so 
that when you attempt to take hold of 
him he slips through your fingers. 
You try to clamp him between your 
knees and he glides away, leaving a 
lot of ooze and scales on your $2.00 
pants. You resent this scaly treat¬ 
ment and cuss him accordingly, but 
with no effect. Then you jam his 



14 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


back into the centre board slot and rip 
him open with a rusty knife. 

Of course this will not improve the 
flavor of the first few fish, but after 
cutting up five or six the knife will 
have been pretty well cleansed, and if 
you keep the last half dozen for your¬ 
self, sending the rusty ones to your 
friends, why, everyone will be satisfied 
—including the undertaker. 

The dorsal fins of some salt water 
fish are a source of woe to the amateur 
fisherman, who will never fully realize 
how remarkably rude these fish can be 
until they cut him. The fins seem to 
lie flat on the fishes’ backs, but as soon 
as you commence to handle them they 
rise up in unexpected places and stick 
you for the drinks. 

The only fish whose dorsal append¬ 
age is appreciated by sportsmen is the 



SAIvT WATER FISHING 


15 


shark. In fact, shark shooting is quite 
an exciting pastime. You first throw 
into the water a couple of hams or any 
bits of meat that are handy. Then 
you cruise around near by in a sail 
boat until you catch sight of a black 
object resembling a curved knife blade 
sticking out of the water. When you 
get within range you let drive a load 
of buck shot at the knife blade and 
sail up as quickly as possible to where 
the shark is struggling in the water 
and harpoon him. 

If he is small you haul him aboard, 
but if he is over six feet long, and you 
are wise, you tow him along behind. I 
was in a catboat once, together with a 
wounded eight-foot shark, and three 
other men. One minute after he came 
aboard two of us were in the throat 
halyards, a third was out as far as he 



16 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


could get on the boom, and the other 
was a prisoner in the cabin, while the 
shark was doing a rag-time dance over 
the closed hatchway. We remained 
in this position until we grounded on a 
sand bar, for you see, the shark did not 
seem to care to sail the boat, and under 
the circumstances we didn’t either. 
But when we struck the bar the three 
of us who were in the rigging made a 
dash for the beach, while the prisoner 
in the cabin howled dismally for help. 
And not until the Nantucket Life 
Saying crew came over and overcame 
our unwelcome visitor by force of num¬ 
bers were we able to release our com¬ 
panion and claim the ownership of the 
boat. 



FENCING 


T HERE are two kinds of fen¬ 
cing. One is popular with 
farmers, the other with 
Frenchmen, and both have 
their good and bad points. 

Nowadays sword play has been 
relegated to the rear ranks of war by 
the modern rifle, even as the old- 
fashioned snake fence has been sup¬ 
planted by barbed wire. 

As most people have a general idea 
of pastoral fencing, I will say a few 
words concerning the less useful occu¬ 
pation of French newspaper editors. 

This style of fencing is divided into 
two schools—the Italian and the 
French. They resemble each other 

2 3p or< 17 


18 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


to a certain extent, but as this is not a 
treatise on the use of the foils, I will 
not discuss the variations of the two 
styles. When you first go to a pro¬ 
fessor he will commence by teaching 
you the salute. In fact, no gentleman 
would ever think of spitting his rival 
like a trussed chicken unless he had 
first turned himself into a close imita¬ 
tion of a pretzel. 

You are told to take the foil lightly 
in your right hand, to stand facing 
your adversary, then to execute a 
double shuffle and turn sideways, going 
through several windmill-like Masonic 
signs with your arms. When you feel 
reasonably confident that you have got 
your opponent hypnotized, lift your 
right foot up to your ear and come 
down with your feet several yards 
apart and your knees bent at right 







FENCING 


21 


angles. If, after executing this ma¬ 
noeuvre, you don’t feel sufficiently 
uncomfortable, you may be sure you 
haven’t taken the correct attitude, so 
spread out some more and crook up 
your left arm as in the Highland fling. 

When you have at last struggled 
into such a position that you know 
the slightest movement on your part 
will throw something out of joint, 
make a dig at your opponent, whom 
you will observe has made almost as 
great an ass of himself as you have, 
and cross your sword with his. 

There must on no account be any 
side-stepping. All movements must 
be made either forward or backward, 
and there must be no striking of the 
blades. They should glide over each 
other and softly intertwine like the 
fingers of a spoony couple, the 



22 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


motions being made chiefly with the 
wrist. The man who can stand this 
the longer without getting the cramps 
wins. 

Sometimes one or the other of the 
fencers gets stuck—generally in the 
arm. But every precaution has been 
taken, even against such an unlooked- 
for accident. After the gentleman’s 
gore has been swabbed up, he falls on 
his opponent’s neck, takes a strangle 
hold by means of a half Nelson hitch, 
and if they can stand the mixed odor 
of absinthe and garlic, they kiss and 
go home. 



SAILING 


D ID you ever sail a catboat? 

If you haven’t, you’ve 
something to look forward 
to. If you have, you can 
sympathize with your fellow-sufferers 
—Beg pardon—“ yachtsmen.” There 
are several distinct ways of falling 
overboard, all of which you learn in 
time. You can catch your foot in the 
sheet rope and be jerked over, turning 
several aerial cart wheels as you go; 
you can be hit on the head by the 
boom, which means either a back or 
forward somersault, according to 
whether it lands on the point of your 
jaw or the base of your brain; 
you can try to toss a fifty pound 

23 


24 


THB JOYS OF SPORT 


anchor over the side and follow it 
head first; you can attempt to catch a 
mooring as the boat goes by it and be 
pulled over by main force, and, last, 
but not least, you can fall in between 
the vessel and her tender (a favorite 
method with small boys and women). 

Of course, sailing is not all unmixed 
woe. Once in a while you get a 
pleasant breeze, a pleasant party, no 
heavy swell and a cool day; but 
generally you don't, and in summer 
time you are invariably becalmed just 
before dinner. However, one soon 
gets used to that and arranges to have 
supper served at 2 a. m. every day. 

Barring bars and rocks, docks are 
the “ bete noir ” of the catboat sailor. 
Did you ever attempt to make a land¬ 
ing before the wind and have suit 
brought against you by the owner of 




“ Did you ever sail a cat-boat ?” 


25 











SAILING 


27 


the wharf for wilful destruction of 
property? Or did you ever spend 
three-quarters of an hour trying to 
sail the intervening ten yards between 
your “ cat ” and the dock with the 
boat absolutely hard and fast in stays ? 
If you haven’t, you’re no true sailor. 

The writer was once told that in 
making a landing if the centre board 
was raised just before reaching the 
wharf the boat would lose her head¬ 
way almost immediately. I tried it 
once when attempting to board the 
United States cruiser San Francisco 
in Newport harbor with my twenty- 
two-foot “ cat ” and the result was a 
broken mast, much white paint scraped 
off Uncle Sam’s warship and unlimited 
profanity from the officer of the deck. 

Speaking of profanity, it is a well 
known fact that a sailor has greater 



28 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


command over this kind of language 
than any other human being (I say 
“ human ” because golfers can hardly 
be called that) and it comes en¬ 
tirely from trying to manage ships, 
which are very rightly spoken of in 
the feminine gender on account of 
their capriciousness, crankiness, un¬ 
certainty and fascination. The proper 
way to go about learning to sail is 
to be taught to swim, to never lose 
your temper, to get used to staying 
in wet clothes for hours, to be 
quick with your feet and hands, to 
have a rhinoceros-like hide all over 
your body and to carry an accident 
policy. 



PIGEON SHOOTING 


T HE peculiarity of pigeon 
shooting is the peculiarity 
of the men who do the 
shooting. Each man has 
his own especial little tricks by means 
of which he thinks his marksmanship 
is improved. I knew a man once, a 
really fine shot, who would never stand 
on the raised platform leading to the 
traps, but, rain or shine, snow or mud, 
he would invariably take his position 
on the grass just beside his mark, and 
if through any unforeseen cause he 
could not stand in this spot his shoot¬ 
ing was of the poorest description. 
Another well known wing shot cannot 

bring his birds down unless he wiggles 

29 


30 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


his right thumb just before he fires. 
As to the wearing of certain coats and 
hats or the using of a certain make of 
shells, the majority of pigeon shooters 
are absolutely helpless unless these 
various appurtenances are at hand. 
Singularly enough this does not pre¬ 
vail to so great an extent as one might 
suppose in regard to guns. I know 
one man in particular who doesn’t 
care a rap as to what make of gun he 
uses, provided he can have his shells 
loaded with his favorite brand of pow¬ 
der. 

If you ever care to find out how 
cheap and small you can be made to 
feel just go out to some popular gun 
club and stand at the traps before 
forty or fifty enthusiasts and after 
posing for a moment or two in the 
most approved style, fire both barrels 




“ Lost bird ! ” 


31 





























PIGEON SHOOTING 


33 


and then hear that dreary cry of the 
referee, “lost bird.” 

Some men never seem fully to get 
over the nervousness caused by hav¬ 
ing their actions watched by so many 
people, and even old hands at the 
game fall down at times. 

A dead bird is one which is gath¬ 
ered inside the fifty yard circle or 
boundary. A lost bird is one which 
breaks all family ties and strays from 
the home circle never to return. An 
easy bird may be either a young lady 
whose acquaintance you make quickly, 
or a pigeon whose obsequies are easily 
attended to. A bird is considered 
half shot when it staggers drunkenly 
around in the air, showing that the 
load has gone to its head. While if 
you speak of “ drivers,” “ quarterers,” 
“ towerers,” and “ incomers,” you refer 

3 Sport 



34 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


to the direction of their flight, and not 
to golf clubs, twenty-five cent pieces, 
the William Penn statue, or Andrew 
Carnegie. 

It is amusing to watch the way the 
different marksmen walk out to the 
traps. Each man has his own method 
and nothing can make him alter it in 
the smallest degree, for he firmly be¬ 
lieves that if anything should be 
changed his chances to win are gone. 
Some of them hand in their bird 
tickets before they shoot and some 
after. Others will hand in bunches of 
ten or twenty, while still others invar¬ 
iably forget them and have to go back 
for one each time. Some men walk 
out in a hurry, while others stroll 
down the platform trying hard to ap¬ 
pear unconcerned, and the expressions 
on most of their faces would cause you 



PIGEON SHOOTING 


35 


to believe they were on the way to be 
guillotined. For pigeon shooting is a 
very serious thing, and must be treated 
with becoming gravity and respect, and 
the lengthy discussions after the match 
as to the direction of a certain bird’s 
flight or the drift of No. 6 shot as 
compared with No. 7i would make you 
think that the laws governing the uni¬ 
verse were being discussed instead of 
merely the day’s sport. 








BOXING 


I F YOU’VE never boxed don’t try 
to learn. The average man 
keeps out of a fight if he doesn’t 
know anything about it, but let 
him take three or four lessons in the 
noble art of self-defence and he imme¬ 
diately starts out looking for trouble— 
and he finds it. 

When a small boy, my chief incen¬ 
tive for learning the art was to lick the 
butcher’s son, across the street. We 
had had several encounters which had 
somewhat marred the classic beauty of 
my countenance (my “ best ” friends 
tell me it has never quite recovered 
from those early impressions), so the 

only thing to do was to go to a professor. 

37 


38 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


The natural thing to expect from a 
regular teacher is that he will put on 
the gloves with you immediately and 
sail in. Not a bit of it. 

This would be learning too quickly, 
and thereby reducing the gentleman’s 
income. The first three or four seances 
are taken up by practicing foot work. 
You dance around the room like the 
premiere danseuse of the ballet. The 
next three or four days you spend in 
liniment, nursing sore muscles. Then 
you are permitted to practice the ele¬ 
mentary punches and guards. After 
that you are turned over to one of the 
assistants, who are usually prize fight¬ 
ers training for future fights. 

If you are wise, after being knocked 
out a few times, you will turn your 
energies to something milder, like 
hammering pig iron or bull fighting. 




“ He immediately starts out looking for trouble.” 

39 







































BOXING 


41 


If you are not wise, and your consti¬ 
tution survives the strain of several 
weeks of slaughter, you may graduate 
into the position of one of the assis¬ 
tants and then have fun in your turn 
with the novices. But you will never 
learn the whole science unless you 
really make a business of it; for the 
instructors will naturally not teach you 
all they know or their prestige would 
be gone. 

Another way to learn to box is to 
get an acquaintance who knows some¬ 
thing about it to teach you. 

Don't get anyone whom you know 
at all well; you may owe him money 
or have succeeded in diverting the 
affections of his best girl, and although 
you may have forgotten about it, the 
chances are that he hasn't. 

After taking about twenty lessons I 



42 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


thought I knew enough to do up the 
butcher’s boy, but 1 found I had 
another “ think.” He heard that I had 
been going to a professional, so to 
counteract this advantage he concealed 
a piece of clam shell between the 
second and third fingers of either 
hand. When I discovered this in the 
second round I was all cut up about it, 
and never again did I have that inno¬ 
cent, childlike faith in my fellow men 
which is so beautiful to read about, but 
which is so seldom found in these days 
of trusts and taxes. 



TRACK ATHLETICS 


H URDLING is probably the 
most picturesque of the vari¬ 
ous specialties of a well 
rounded track team. 

The hurdler must have the character¬ 
istics of an army mule. He must be 
able to run fast, either on his feet or 
his head, depending upon whether he 
can clear the ten fences between him 
and the finish line without striking one 
of them. He must be a good jumper, 
both in distance and height. He must 
get used to bruised ankles and shins 
and he must not object to having his 
complexion marred by frequent inser¬ 
tions of fine cinders under the cuticle. 
A hurdler who could go through a 

43 


44 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


season without an accident would draw 
a high salary from a dime museum. 

Next in point of sensationalism come 
the high jumpers and pole vaulters. 
These also lead a precarious existence, 
particularly the wielders of the clothes 
prop. In fact, there have been cases 
where men were killed while pole 
vaulting by the pole breaking and 
transfixing their bodies. At the time 
people said they were dead stuck on it. 

The hardest worked men on a track 
team are the quarter milers. These 
unfortunates are expected to sprint at 
a hundred-yard clip for four hundred 
and forty yards, and unless they fall in 
a dead faint at the tape, they are ac¬ 
cused of not having fully extended 
themselves and are said to lack nerve. 

The human grasshopper or long 
jumper has a rather nice job. He is 




















/ 


4 






0 
















TRACK ATHLETICS 


47 


only required to take a short sprint, 
after which he hurls himself bodily 
into the atmosphere and buries himself 
in a pile of mud. It may readily be 
deduced that his specialty is not con¬ 
ducive to cleanliness, but, on the other 
hand, he falls soft, and after being dug 
out of the scenery he is not much the 
worse for wear. 

The distance runners and sprinters 
respectively look down upon each other. 
Each thinks the other is of no account 
and each accuses the other of spoiling 
the track. The sprinter by digging 
large chasms from which to spring on 
his hundred-yard journey; the distance 
man on account of his numerous cir- 
clings of the cinder path which tend to 
soften and crumble its surface. 

The heavy men, or weight throwers, 
have rather a thankless task. There 



48 


THE JOY OF SPORTS 


is nothing very spectacular to be ob¬ 
served when a young man stands in a 
small circle and shoves a shot away 
from him. Nor is there anything 
thrilling in seeing a rather fat youth 
swing an iron ball on the end of a wire 
several times around his head, and 
then (provided the wire doesn’t break 
and kill a few spectators) let it fly into 
the air for forty or fifty yards, after 
which a couple of hours are spent in 
trying to measure the intervening dis¬ 
tance with a tape measure which is 
invariably too short. 

There is one man whom spectators, 
judges, athletes, referees, starters and 
timekeepers, one and all, detest. He 
receives more abuse than any other 
mortal on the field. This is the unfor¬ 
tunate individual who drives the roller 
over the track at a snail’s pace in a 



TRACK ATHLETICS 


49 


vain endeavor to smooth away the 
marks of the runners’ spikes. During 
the operation, which requires about 
fifteen or twenty minutes, everything 
must stop, and everyone has a chance 
to think up the choicest invectives to 
hurl at the poor man’s head. Indeed 
a philanthropic organization should be 
formed for the purpose of protecting 
both the bodies and souls of decrepit 
track rollers who would otherwise lose 
all chance of future salvation through 
the cruel condemnation of their fellow- 


men. 








POLO 


A LLITERATIYELY speaking, 
polo is the passion and pas¬ 
time of the puffed up and 
purse proud plutocracy. Or, 
in the words of Shakespeare, “ If you 
ain’t got no money you needn’t come 
around.” 

In the first place, you must own a 
string of six or seven particularly 
vicious ponies, whose one idea is to bite 
and kick everything in sight. Dur¬ 
ing the course of the match, which is 
divided into rounds, or periods, you 
will kill off two or three of these, 
hence the necessity of owning several. 

The object of the game, aside from 
breaking your own collar bone, is to 

51 


52 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


see that your opponent breaks his. 
Incidentally, you try to knock a cro¬ 
quet ball between two posts with an 
elongated pickaxe. This pick is made 
of wood so that you can only be con¬ 
victed of manslaughter with intent to 
kill, instead of murder. Most of the 
ponies wear boots to protect their feet 
from the damp grass. The riders wear 
their hair parted in the middle, a grim 
smile, a pair of duck trousers built to 
resemble two mutton chops, and riding 
boots. It is not quite clear why they 
should handicap themselves with this 
costume, but as they all do it, there is 
no unfairness. Some day a team of 
Western men will turn up arrayed in 
the ordinary leather cowpuncher over¬ 
alls and red shirts and wipe up the 
scenery with what they would term 
“these Yankee stiffs,” and then per- 




-# 


“ Incidentally you try to knock a croquet ball.” 

53 









POLO 


55 


haps a wave of dress reform will sweep 
away the ridiculously awkward riding 
garb of the present day. There are 
always a large number of grooms, 
coachmen and hangers-on about a polo 
field, all of whom receive tips for 
carrying their masters’ mangled re¬ 
mains from the scene, or carting away 
dead horses. So what with the exten¬ 
sive tipping which goes on, to say 
nothing of the tippling, and the keep 
and care of so many men and animals, 
together with the railway transporta¬ 
tion for both to all parts of the 
country, it may readily be seen that 
polo is a game for the man with the 
dough and not meant for Mr. Mark¬ 
ham’s suburban society leader. 

The chief qualifications necessary to 
becoming a good player are: A singu¬ 
larly ferocious and bloodthirsty nature, 



56 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


an unlimited income and a thick skull. 
A first class surgeon is also indispen¬ 
sable. Besides the actual playing of 
the game, you must be a good com¬ 
panion and be able to take in every 
ball that comes your way, be it a 
“high” one or a dance—you must 
give dinners after the match even if 
you have to leave your spine or a leg 
on your dressing table. In fact, I 
knew a man once who dined with his 
friends at 7 o’clock after breaking his 
arm in a polo match that same after¬ 
noon. 



BEAR HUNTING 


I F YOU start from home with the 
avowed intention of killing a 
grizzly bear you will in all 
probability not even catch a 
glimpse of one. The only efficient 
method for finding these wily beasts is 
to go after mountain sheep, or, still 
better, take a rod and try trout fishing. 
Sure as fate you will encounter a par¬ 
ticularly lean and hungry bear. 

In spite of the many statements 
made concerning the ferocity of these 
animals they will, as a rule, avoid the 
hunter if they can, and only when 
wounded do they become really dan¬ 
gerous. Then they will in all likeli¬ 
hood attempt a little hunting on their 

57 


58 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


own account. The one exception to 
this rule, as I said before, is when you 
are out with only a fishing rod for pro¬ 
tection. 

My advice to all Eocky Mountain 
fishermen is to carry a pair of spiked 
sprinting shoes. They are lighter and 
less bulky than a rifle and much more 
efficient in the hands, or rather on the 
feet, of a novice. 

A good, healthy grizzly can do a 
quarter mile in about 49 2-5 seconds. 
This calculation is based on an experi¬ 
ence with one while I was on a fishing 
trip. 

My record for the quarter is only 
51, but I saw him first and got a 
flying-start of thirty yards, reaching 
camp just ten yards in the lead. Our 
time was not caught by stop watch, as 
we had none with us, but the guide 




“ The one exception to this rule —” 


59 





















































































BEAR HUNTING 


61 


said he calculated that the above fig¬ 
ures were about correct by his Water- 
bury, using the mule corral as a finish 
line. Unfortunately the bear’s time 
could only be approximated, for the 
other guide, who hadn’t a particle of 
sporting spirit, shot the brute before he 
could cross the tape. 

A black bear’s disposition is never 
as dark as it is painted, and a polar 
bear will always treat you white, but 
the grizzly should neither be intro¬ 
duced nor tolerated in good society, as 
he is tough and his manners are ex¬ 
ceedingly rude. 

He does not die easily, and the more 
lead he absorbs into his system the 
fiercer he gets, and when you do not 
succeed in reaching a vital spot at the 
first shot and you see him rear up on 
his hind legs, towering eight feet in 



THE JOYS OF SPORT 


62 

the air, it will be just about all you 
can do to keep your wits about you and 
punch him in the slats. In fact, a 
far greater factor of safety than pres¬ 
ence of mind on such an occasion, is 
absence of body. 



AUTOMOBILING 


A lthough some people will 

object that riding in a motor 
carriage does not come prop¬ 
erly under the head of 
“sport,” if you look at it from the 
point of view of athletics, there is 
much exercise to be derived from it. 

To the uninitiated it would seem 
that this sort of riding would be per¬ 
fect rest. This is not the case, par¬ 
ticularly with the gasoline and steam 
vehicles. As for the electric machine, 
most of your exercise will come after 
you have gotten well into the country 
and the current gives out. Pushing a 
two thousand pound carriage five or 
ten miles over a dirt road is about as 

63 



64 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


much sport as the ordinary athletically 
inclined individual would care for on 
a warm afternoon. Then you take it 
to a power house and tell them to 
charge it. 

They do so, but you pay cash just 
the same. In fact, this style of 
machine is the most expensive of the 
three. 

The electric vehicle, however is not 
in it athletically with the gasoline 
machine. Here your exercise begins 
before you start! If you’ve never 
tried filling with air four three-inch 
pneumatic tires by means of a bicycle 
pump, you don’t know what work is. 
After that, if your sparking batteries 
have not been short circuited over 
night from leaving the switch open or 
getting a wire crossed, you will pro¬ 
ceed to start the motor. This is done 







































AUTOMOBILING 


67 


by turning a fifty-pound fly wheel 
about seventeen hundred times with a 
small iron handle (the catalogues say 
two or three times will suffice, but the 
men who write such statements would 
make money as dime novelists or gold 
mine promoters). During the time 
you are turning yourself into an ama¬ 
teur organgrinder, you generally bark 
your knuckles on the surrounding 
machinery, and when at last you hear 
the welcome puff which proves that 
the gas has caught on, you feel more 
like taking a Turkish bath or spend¬ 
ing a week in the hospital than going 
out riding. 

Nevertheless you jump in and shove 
the friction clutch lever over invariably 
the wrong way, backing your machine 
at the rate of fifteen miles an hour into 
everything on the road. Finally, after 



68 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


you get full control of it and are well 
started on your journey, the vaporizer, 
or air mixer, gets mixed and refuses 
to act properly. Then you push the 
carriage home. This is merely a light 
exercise to finish up with; for this ma¬ 
chine weighs only about nine hundred 
pounds as against the electric automo¬ 
bile’s two thousand. 

In starting a steam vehicle you have 
less grinding and more pumping to do. 
For, besides the tires, you must have 
sufficient air pressure in the gasoline 
tank to enable you to get fire enough 
under the boiler to keep up a good 
head of steam. This never happens, 
however, and before you have pro¬ 
ceeded ten miles your machine gradu¬ 
ally comes to a standstill, and you 
must wait a while until the steam 
chooses to brace up. Often it doesn’t 



AUTOMOBILING 


69 


choose, and then you have the usual 
push back. 

In short, the governing axiom of 
the motor crank may he reduced to 
two words: “Hump thyself!” 






FRESH WATER FISHING 


B EFORE you attempt to learn 
anything about trout fishing, 
such as casting or gaffing, you 
should learn to handle a pair 
of rubber boots. Hip boots are the 
bane of the fisherman’s existence. 
They won’t stay up, they invariably 
leak, and they take up more room in a 
trunk than all your other belongings. 

It requires remarkable skill and 
judgment to navigate a pair of boots 
up a stream without taking in water. 
You put one leg forward, ascertain 
that the creek does not rise above that 
boot, then you bring the other leg 
over, thinking you are all right, and 

the first thing you know that cold, wet 

71 


72 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


feeling permeates your limb. Of 
course, the other boot has slipped down 
and you are waterlogged. In despera¬ 
tion you take them off and try wading 
in your stocking feet, a moment later 
you step on an empty dried meat can, 
and the remainder of your two weeks’ 
outing is spent in the pleasant antici¬ 
pation of lock-jaw. 

After binding up your foot with 
your shirt you go on until you hit a 
boulder and fall into the water. This 
is neither conducive to good temper, 
good fishing, nor good clothes, and 
after making two or three ineffectual 
casts you decide to climb out of the 
stream, carefully resting your knee on 
a fish-hook as you crawl up the bank, 
thereby laming yourself for life. 

Then you remember a quiet pool 
some distance through the woods where 




“The only way to catch trout.” 


73 









FRESH WATER FISHING 


75 


the speckled devils may be tempted. 
So, in order to save time you don’t 
take your tackle apart, but try to make 
your way through the trees with every¬ 
thing rigged up. This generally ends 
the day’s sport, as the line, of course, 
becomes tangled, breaking the tip of 
the rod. Sometimes you take the time 
and trouble to unfasten the leader and 
disjoint the rod, putting it together 
after reaching the pool in question. 
Here you stand on the bank, swing 
your rod back in an attempt to make 
an overhand cast and hook a bush. 
After several attempts you may man¬ 
age to flick the flies into the pool with 
a side swing and suddenly the reel 
begins to hum. You have actually 
hooked a fish! After playing tag 
with him for half an hour all over the 
place and having succeeded at last in 



76 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


bringing him near the bank, you sud¬ 
denly realize that you have forgotten 
the landing net, that the bank is two or 
three feet above the water and that there 
is no beach on which to land the fish— 
and there you are. It generally ends in 
your trying to capture him with your 
hands and taking a header into the pool. 

When once more on dry land you 
decide that the only way to catch trout 
is with a drag net and a diver’s outfit. 

Trolling for muskellunge or pike is 
rather easier. All the work is done 
by the man who rows the boat. The 
only time the man with the rod has 
any excitement is when he tries to get 
the hook out of the two-foot pickerel’s 
stomach after he has swallowed spoon, 
bait, leader and half the line. This is 
really quite an interesting surgical 
operation, and an hour or so may be 
spent with great ease and profit in ex- 



FRESH WATER FISHING 


ploring the interior construction of a 
lively fish who keeps flapping his tail 
in your face while he digs his fin into 
your abdomen and sheds skin and 
scales all over everything. 

For real, solid comfort, however, 
give me a quiet pond, a flat bottomed 
scow, an old bamboo pole, a piece of 
string, a cork and a worm. Here the 
peacefully-inclined may sit for hours 
catching sun fish and “ catties ” by 
simply watching the bob, and when it 
shows signs of throwing a fit, instead 
of spending a long time in politely 
trying to induce the fish to come in 
out of the wet, just jerk him bodily 
into the boat. This style of fishing 
may be had anywhere. It is neither 
tiring nor expensive, and you don’t run 
the chance of breaking a limb and 
catching nothing but chronic rheuma¬ 
tism for your pains. 













FOX HUNTING 



TIOM the fox’s point of view 


hunting 


mting is great fun. 

To see a bunch of red-coated 


dudes galloping madly over 
the landscape following a lot of yelp¬ 
ing dogs in a gigantic circle, while he 
himself has quickly crossed a bit of 
swampy ground where his scent is 
broken by the water, is almost as en¬ 
tertaining as killing a chicken. Or, if 
no water is at hand, to run into a hole 
and listen to the dogs fighting each 
other up above, really makes his life 
worth the living. 

Of course, now and then, through 
some misunderstanding the hunters 
actually capture their wily game and 



RO 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


then he loses both his life and his tail; 
but such cases are as rare as a good 
boarding-house steak in a New Jersey 
summer resort. 

Hunting, from the dog’s point of 
view, is much like the never-ending 
human search for happiness. He keeps 
on and on and never gets there. Even 
if he does catch his fox by herculean 
efforts, before he has time to get one 
good chew the hunters come up and 
deprive him of his prize. But a hound 
has an optimistic disposition, and the 
following day he will try just as hard 
to corner his quarry as if he had had 
no previous disappointment. 

The only participator in a fox hunt 
who has no particular reason for en¬ 
joying himself is the hunter. He rigs 
himself up in a most uncomfortable and 
outlandish style and mounts a long- 


















































FOX HUNTING 


83 


legged, bony horse, which immediately 
takes the bit in its teeth and runs 
madly over a ripening grain field, 
stopping suddenly at the fence on the 
opposite side in order to hurl its rider 
in a series of parabolic curves into the 
open arms of a fierce looking farmer 
with a large shotgun, who has been 
waiting to enter an emphatic protest 
against having his crops trampled 
down. 

After paying half of his money to 
the farmer for the purpose of restoring 
peace, the hunter must needs pay the 
remainder to the farmer’s son for 
catching his runaway steed, and when 
he has been ignominiously placed upon 
its back his riotous enjoyment of the 
sport is scarcely increased when he 
realizes that the whole party, includ¬ 
ing his very best girl, have been watch- 



84 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


ing his remarkable evolutions with 
much interest and evident amusement 
from a neighboring hill. 

The one time when the fox need 
really look to his brush is when some 
of the farm hands arrange to do a little 
hunting on their own account. 

They may not be quite so picturesque 
in their shirt sleeves, overalls and leg¬ 
gings as their scarlet coated brothers, 
but they know their business ; and it is 
indeed a rare occasion when these tillers 
of the soil return to the rendezvous at 
the country store without a fresh pelt 
to be tanned. 



BASKET BALL 


T HIS game is played by good 
looking young men whose 
sweethearts once told them 
that they looked just too 
sweet for anything in their bathing 
suits. The cruel flattery so completely 
turned their heads that they imme¬ 
diately set to work devising some 
scheme whereby they would be able to 
show off their lovely shapes in winter 
time, when it was too cold to pose on 
the beach. Somebody suggested basket 
ball and the problem was solved. 

In order to emphasize and draw at¬ 
tention to their Apollo-like forms they 
purchased the wildest and most re¬ 
markable looking bathing suits they 

85 


8G 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


could find, put on rubber shoes, hired 
a hall, at each end of which they hung 
a crab net, bought a large, round ball 
filled with air, so that it wouldn’t de¬ 
stroy their beautiful complexions and 
charged the girls twenty-five cents to 
come and see the living pictures. 

And how those same young ladies’ 
souls swell with pride when dear 
Reginald, puffing out his watermelon 
colored chest, glides gracefully down 
the room on winged feet and hurls the 
rubber ball into the crab net! Or 
when Charles Augustus, in pink and 
lavender, makes a fairy-like pass over 
the heads of the opposing players to 
Ferdinand Aurelius, who in his turn 
leaps eighteen feet into the air, amid 
the screams and plaudits of the as¬ 
sembled multitude, and, alighting near 
his particular charmer, throws her a 



“He must have beautiful Grecian features.” 

























BASKET BALL 


89 


killing glance, which makes her the 
most envied girl of her “set.” Then, 
after depositing the ball in the crab 
catcher, he bows gracefully to right 
and left, while posing on his toes and 
blowing kisses to the enthusiastic 
audience. 

Could anything be more tumultu¬ 
ously thrilling ? Talk about an 
eighty-yard plunge through the centre 
for a touchdown on the football field ! 
Why, it’s not in it with Ferdinand 
Aurelius's hair-raising piece of acting! 
There it is in a nutshell. “Acting ” 
from start to finish, with tableaux and 
poses interlarded to break the monot¬ 
ony. 

But it isn't everyone who can be¬ 
come a great basket ball player. He 
must have beautiful Grecian features, 
long, dark, flowing locks or lovely 



90 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


golden curls, a fair complexion and 
romantic eyes. He must have large 
shoulders and a slender waist, with 
beautifully rounded arms and legs, 
while his feet and hands must be small 
and aristocratic. 

I once stood beside a well known 
oarsman, who was watching some 
basket ball players practicing. And 
what do you think that rude man 
called them ? “A big, bloomin’ bunch 
of stiffs ! ” Could anything be more 
scandalous? Why, I nearly fainted 
with confusion and straightway invited 
him to come outside and have a drink. 



CRICKET 


C RICKET is a game that is 
played while dreaming by 
twenty-two sleep-walkers in 
a trance. 

The subjects are usually imported 
from England, the climate of that 
country being more conducive to the 
development of the astral body and its 
perfect projection. Americans are not 
good mediums, as their temperaments 
have not that soporific quality essential 
to good cricket, and therefore they can 
never hope to reach the higher form of 
trance which is necessary for the proper 
manifestation of the game. 

The two elevens are taken out in 
hearses to a section of the country where 

91 


92 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


the air is soft and balmy and every¬ 
thing is conducive to perfect peace and 
quiet. Here an expert hypnotist takes 
them in hand and makes a number of 
passes around their heads. As fast as 
the players succumb to the influence 
they are led out on the grass by atten¬ 
dants, placed in their proper positions 
and informed that they will be called 
in time for luncheon at two o’clock. 

Everything being satisfactorily ar¬ 
ranged, each one immediately falls 
into a trance and the audience applauds 
at intervals until 1.55 p. m. At this 
hour the hypnotist is brought on the 
field, where he murmurs a few myste¬ 
rious words. The players stir uneasily 
in their slumbers and finally wake up 
and are led back to the club house by 
their attendants. 

Here a meal consisting of hashish is 
served, after which each subject smokes 






93 


























I 













CRICKET 


95 


two pipe-pills of opium, drinks a small 
quantity of laudanum, and is then led 
out again to his position, where he re¬ 
mains until stumps are drawn for the 
day. 

The umpire’s duty is to take careful 
notes of the condition of the opposing 
teams, and the one which on the whole 
seems to present the most repose of 
manner wins the match. 

Following are some terms used in 
the game and their significance: An 
over is when a man cannot he awakened 
for luncheon. To be stumped is when 
he chokes while hitting the pipe. A 
maiden is a new hand at the game who 
is difficult to hypnotize. Clean bowled 
is when a player cannot even sleep 
standing up, but must needs fall down. 
A rough crease means that a player’s 
dreams are disturbed by nightmare and 
that the hashish doesn’t agree with him. 
























































































































































. 




















- 
























































































































TENNIS 


T HE game of tennis was in¬ 
vented for the benefit of poor 
but deserving laundresses. 
You are expected to dress 
entirely in white, even to your shoes. 
You take your place in a court on 
which the grass has been cultivated to 
a particularly moist shade of green, and 
while executing your very first “law- 
ford” the attraction of gravitation 
proves so attractive that you sit down 
hard on mother earth. When you 
arise a considerable portion of the 
landscape rises with you, and you find 
it is almost as difficult to shake as a 
poor relation. In fact, this beautiful 
green decoration sticks to you through- 

7 Sport 97 


98 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


out the match and nothing but the 
laundress’ best efforts can remove it 
from that portion of your trousers 
which comes along after you have 
gone by. 

Tennis has lots of “ love ” in it, but 
strange to say, nobody cares to be the 
one to whom the love is given, and 
your energies are entirely spent in 
trying to avoid this so-called calamity. 

It is not a dangerous game, but there 
are large quantities of work to be found 
hidden away in its intricacies. Indeed, 
no better exercise can be had than 
when your opponent stands at the net 
and keeps you dashing madly up and 
down your base line trying to reach 
his well directed cross-court smashes. 

Closely connected with tennis, but 
not nearly so scientific, is the game of 
Tether Ball. This consists of an up- 




LcfC. 
































































































































































' 


























































. 





























































































































TENNIS 


101 


right pole, to the top of which a rub¬ 
ber ball is attached by means of a long 
string, the object being to wind the 
string tightly about the pole by slug¬ 
ging the ball with a tennis racket. 
This is a warm game, and more per¬ 
spiration may be pumped out of you 
in half an hour’s playing than by any 
other sweating method in existence. 

Here are some of the ways of scor¬ 
ing. 

To be hit in the eye by the ball 
counts one point for your opponent. 
If you crack his skull with your 
racket you secure a lead of three 
points, but he can even things up by 
wrapping the string around your neck 
and strangling you. Again you go 
ahead by two points when he breaks 
the pole; but the score is deuce when 
the string snaps and the ball is lost. 



102 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


Every tooth knocked down his throat 
counts one point, but when teeth are 
simply knocked out without being 
swallowed they only count half a point 
apiece. A fractured nose counts a 
point and a split ear counts three 
points against you because you must 
have been off-side to be hit in this por¬ 
tion of your anatomy. 

These are the more simple ways of 
scoring and will serve to give the 
novice a general idea of the game. 
For further instruction in this line 
kindly apply to the janitor of the 
Morgue. 



BICYCLING 


T HERE are yet a few victims 
of the bicycle craze who 
have not been run over or 
who have not taken to auto- 
mobiling. These stragglers from the 
vast army of cyclists of former years still 
go on pedalling their weary way over 
the hills and ruts of life until some 
fine day they collide with a dog or get 
a sunstroke and join the silent ma¬ 
jority. 

One by one they fall by the wayside, 
beaten at last by the unnumbered ob¬ 
stacles which spring up in their path, 
until at the present time a wheelman 
riding along a country road is rather 
a rare spectacle in comparison with the 

103 


104 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


hordes of men, women and children 
who were wont to invade the suburbs 
on Sunday afternoons and holidays. 

The bicycle is a great blessing to the 
working man who lives a distance from 
his employment, and for this particular 
use it will always be popular, being 
both quick and inexpensive. But one 
no longer sees the huge club runs and 
the multitudes of pleasure seekers. 
Indeed, I am somewhat surprised that 
the fad lasted as long as it did, for no 
harder or more disagreeable work can 
be devised than the pushing of a wheel 
along a dusty road where every particle 
of dirt that doesn’t get into the chain 
and clog it up, goes into your eyes, 
ears, nose and mouth until you wonder 
if there will be enough of the scenery 
left after you have passed by to furnish 
a respectable view. 
















BICYCLING 


107 


You sit on a chunk of leather-covered 
wood, called by a courtesy a “ saddle/’ 
bend your back double in trying to 
reach the handle bars, somewhere far 
below you, and push along, neither 
looking to the right nor to the left, for 
fear of running into something, until 
your tire is punctured. 

You get off and proceed to repair it 
by covering yourself with cement, and 
by the time you have finished it is 
necessary to race home, if you wish 
any dinner. 

Coming back, the dirt sticks to your 
cement bedecked garments until you 
are practically unrecognizable, and you 
finally have to feel your way into the 
house, as your eyes are completely 
closed by dust and mud. You stumble 
feebly upstairs, peel off your perspira¬ 
tion soaked clothes and fall fainting 
into the bath tub. 



108 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


The following day the cook informs 
you that the drain is stopped up and 
that the water has backed into the 
kitchen. You send for a plumber, 
who explains to you that someone has 
been choking the pipes with mud, 
gravel and cement, and that it will be 
absolutely necessary to dig up the en¬ 
tire cellar in order to repair the damage 
and prevent a flood. Then, when the 
plumber’s bill comes in at the end of 
the month, you have to sell your 
machine in order to pay it. 

Thus has the bicycle lost its grip on 
the affections of the pleasure-seeking 
public. 



BASE BALL 


B ASE BALL is played for the 
purpose of giving a large 
number of people the chance 
of expressing their opinions 
(both oral and written), who would 
under other circumstances not even be 
permitted to freight them. 

A man who at home does not dare 
raise his voice above a whisper for fear 
of waking the baby, will, when sitting 
on the right field bleachers, shout out 
his ideas concerning the team as a 
whole and each player in particular in 
loud and emphatic language. And 
the man who writes lengthy articles 
for the newspapers concerning the re¬ 
markably poor showing of the home 

109 


110 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


club would never receive the slightest 
notice from a long suffering public if it 
were not for his wonderful command 
of the technical slang of the diamond. 

Besides supporting the above men¬ 
tioned charities, our national game 
presents a lucrative career to thousands 
of men who would be otherwise incap¬ 
able of earning a competency, and 
some of the salaries drawn by the 
more noted players would open the 
eyes of any one not familiar with the 
vast sums of money expended yearly 
by the managers of various clubs 
throughout this country in securing 
the services of popular ball tossers. 

The ages of players vary consider¬ 
ably. From university boys who have 
just graduated and who were stars on 
their college nines, to gray-haired 
men, who remember the time when 




‘‘This is called a good delivery.” 


Ill 
















BASE BALE 


113 


the various ways of curving a ball had 
not been discovered, and when players 
wore no gloves. In fact, I have heard 
of one or two old pitchers who have 
gone to the well several times too 
often, and, moreover, it is quite evident 
that they did not confine themselves 
strictly to the drinking of its whole¬ 
some contents. 

A base ball team is composed of nine 
players besides the umpire and the 
peanut vender. The catcher stands 
behind the batter with a life preserver 
on his chest and a muzzle over his 
face. The latter is to prevent him 
from biting his name in the umpire’s 
neck. He wears a large mitt over one 
hand which he pounds vigorously with 
the other fist, varying the monotony 
by occasionally expectorating upon its 
surface. The pitcher stands in the 

g Sport 



114 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


middle of the diamond, and after wip¬ 
ing his hands on the seat of his 
trousers scrapes the ball in the dust in 
order to roughen its surface, so that it 
may be curved more easily ; then cast¬ 
ing a glance at the first baseman he 
lifts one leg in the air, ties himself into 
a true-lover’s knot and hurls the sphere 
at the catcher. This is called a “ good 
delivery.” Deliver us from an evil 
one! 

The three basemen are not necessar¬ 
ily blackguards, in spite of their titles. 
They are expected to stand near their 
respective sand bags and try to stamp 
their iron spikes into the runner’s feet 
as he goes by. If they succeed in 
laming a man so that he is incapable 
of reaching the home plate their side 
wins. 

The shortstop need not be a very 



BASE BALE 


115 


short stop, but he should be reasonably 
so in order to connect with the ground¬ 
ers that come his way. The three 
fielders are chosen for their symmetri¬ 
cal figures and beauty of countenance, 
as they must necessarily pose the 
greater part of the time for the edifi¬ 
cation of the public. 

The umpire’s job used to be a poor 
one in the days of rowdy ball. But 
times have changed, and he is pretty 
nearly monarch of all he surveys, 
always excepting the gate receipts, 
which go with the manager of the club 
whenever this gentleman decides to 
light out. 
























































. 














































































DEER HUNTING 


D ID you ever hunt a deer ? If 
you have you will probably 
agree with me that it is a 
splendid sport excepting 
when it comes to the killing of your 
quarry. Nothing makes a man feel 
more like a murderer than to shoot 
one of those harmless little animals. 

They are hunted in many ways, most 
of which are against the law. But the 
law doesn’t count for much in the wild 
woods with no one there to enforce it. 

The method of hunting with dogs 
has been pretty well abolished, but 
instead there has been substituted a 
sort of battue wherein the guides take 
the place of dogs and drive the deer 
towards the concealed sportsmen. 


118 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


Jacking is still done to a considera¬ 
ble extent in Maine and the Adiron- 
dacks. Yon go out on a dark night 
in a canoe haying a singularly hard 
and insinuating bottom, on which you 
are expected to sit motionless from 9 
p. m. to 4 a. m. You tie an evil smell¬ 
ing lamp on your hat, take a shot gun 
in your hand and your guide paddles 
you noiselessly around the wooded 
shores of a misty lake until in the dis¬ 
tance you hear a splash. After a half 
hour’s silent paddling through the 
gloom you reach the spot where you 
thought you heard a deer and find it 
to be nothing but a muskrat or one of 
those little porcupines. 

Gradually you grow colder and 
colder, and the bottom of the canoe 
gets harder and harder, while the 
silence becomes more oppressive every 




“Two bright spots seem to start out of the night.” 

119 
















































































































































































































































































































DEER HUNTING 


121 


moment until you feel you will have 
to let out a yell and do a song and 
dance to relieve your nerves and mus¬ 
cles. Then, just as you decide to give 
up and go home, the guide causes the 
canoe to tremble slightly, which is the 
signal for you to look out ahead. You 
peer through the misty vapor lying 
over the silent water and try to pene¬ 
trate the darkness beyond until your 
eyes ache and your head swims. When, 
all of a sudden, two bright spots seem 
to start out of the night a few yards 
ahead of you. Again the boat shakes 
under the guide’s warning hand. You 
raise the gun, while your heart stops 
beating, and you feel a wild desire to 
clear your throat. A splash, a snort, 
two terrific explosions and silence 
again broods over everything. 

The guide paddles up to the dead 



122 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


thing lying on the bank, does some¬ 
thing with a knife which makes you 
feel horribly sick, throws the soft limp 
carcass into the canoe and you sneak 
quietly away like a thief in the night. 
Such is the sport of jacking for deer. 

It is strange how hunting seems to 
make brutes out of the most tender¬ 
hearted. I have seen a woman paddle 
up to a swimming doe, which had been 
driven into the lake by the guides, and 
deliberately hold her rifle within a foot 
of its head and pull the trigger. I 
have seen two men wait for a stag at a 
point where they knew it would land, 
as it was being followed by their dogs 
across a pond, and when it attempted 
to climb the bank they cut it down 
with axes. 

The only kind of deer hunting that 
can really be called sport is when the 



DEER HUNTING 


123 


hunter's brain is pitted against the 
animal's instinct in the Western 
prairies. Here the deer must be fol¬ 
lowed, trailed and circumvented, all in 
the open, where you are lucky if you 
get a shot at two hundred yards. This 
is the true sport; the killing of deer 
in the woods and lakes is mere butch¬ 
ery. 




POOL AND BILLIARDS 


T AKE your cue from me and 
never play pool with a 
stranger or you will prob¬ 
ably have more of your 
money pocketed than balls. 

The first thing to learn is the correct 
way of posing. You should stand in 
an easy attitude, left leg bent, right leg 
straight, and hump yourself in such a 
manner that anyone uninitiated into 
the mysteries of this subtle art would 
strongly suspect you of wearing a 
bustle. Swing your cue up and down 
as if sawing wood and spread your left 
hand star-fish fashion on the table, 
holding the point of the cue in the 
most complicated way you can devise. 

125 


126 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


If the cue-ball is in the centre of the 
table place one knee as near to it as 
possible, keeping the other foot on the 
floor, and sprawl out, covering as much 
of the table as you can. Young women 
who do not possess good figures should 
refrain from the use of this play and 
should be content to employ the bridge. 
This article is used to reach over the 
table when all else fails. It is clumsy 
and unmanageable and a source of 
woe to the user. Yerily a Bridge of 
Sighs. 

Before you play you must also learn 
to chalk your cue artistically. This is 
done by fixing your eye firmly on some 
particular sphere and then to stand 
staring at it in an absent-minded sort 
of way while rubbing the leather tip 
with chalk. Be sure never to look at 
either tip or chalk, but always mes- 







“ If the cue ball is in the centre of the table—” 

127 









POOL AND BILLIARDS 


129 


merize a ball. Do this before each play 
and as long as you think your oppon¬ 
ent will stand it—say five minutes. 
Unless he has remarkable nerve this 
manoeuvre will win you the game nine 
times out of ten, simply by getting him 
so worked up over the slowness of your 
play that he will make miss-cues and 
scratches when his turn comes. 

Always put a look of scornful criti¬ 
cism at the shot your adversary is about 
to try as though you see something 
much easier and far better, which he 
has overlooked. This will make him 
nervous and he will stop in the middle 
of his shot to glance around the table. 
If he does the chances are he will miss 
anyway. 

Never give any advice, however well 
meant. The man who receives it is 
sure to miss the shot you suggest and 

g Sport 



130 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


will then glare at you as if you were 
to blame. 

When you have an easy position 
play very carefully, so as to give the 
impression you are doing something 
extremely difficult. Then when you 
make the shot you will be applauded. 
On the other hand, if the position is 
hard play carelessly as though you 
considered it a cinch. The audience 
will then think you are a wonderful 
player. Should you miss examine the 
tip of your cue carefully, seeking a 
flaw or lack of chalk, or else run your 
hand over the table searching for an 
inequality on its surface. Another 
good move is to gaze reproachfully at 
anyone nearby as though you suspected 
them of balking you by jostling your 
elbow or shaking the table. Should 
you succeed in making a difficult shot 



POOL AND BILLIARDS 


131 


always look unconcerned as if it were 
an ordinary occurrence. 

If your opponent’s cue-ball happens 
to be surrounded by object balls watch 
him closely to see that he does not 
touch one, thereby making a foul. If 
you cause it to appear extremely evi¬ 
dent that you expect him to foul he 
probably will do so, simply out of 
nervousness. 

In fact, pool is a game of bluff, where 
both players are acting all the time in 
order to reduce each other’s minds and 
nerves to a state bordering on insanity 
and absolute collapse. 

Many of the above tips hold good in 
billiards, although in this game much 
more dependence is placed on the speed 
and twist of the ball and the reliability 
of the cushions. 

A good rule to work by in billiards 




132 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


is to invariably hammer the spheres 
for all you are worth; then, perhaps, 
you may connect with the two object 
balls if you can succeed in making the 
white ball travel enough times around 
the table. 

Always keep a look of deep and 
hidden meaning on your physiognomy 
and appear to be buried in intricate 
calculations. If you miss, smile a 
superior smile, gazing contemptuously 
at the balls and giving the impression 
that in your marvellous playing for 
position and in the calculating of the 
various moves for six or eight shots 
ahead, you had not considered it neces¬ 
sary to take into account the mere 
possibility of missing such an easy 
set up. 



ROWING 


T HERE’S nothing better for 
blisters than rowing. It’s a 
charming sport, but give me 
a ferry boat every time. 
After having learned to propel a 
large and massive sea-going dory, you 
think you will try racing for a change. 
So you go out one fine Saturday after¬ 
noon to a boat club and tell the janitor 
that you want a racing shell. He in¬ 
quires if you have ever been in one, 
and receiving a negative answer, looks 
at you pityingly, and turning to the 
youth who attends to the boats, shouts: 
“Hi, Bill, git out de old workin’ skiff 
and chuck in a life preserver! ” 

You are then told to take off all 

133 


134 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


your superfluous clothes so that you 
can swim the more easily, and when 
the skiff has been made ready the jani¬ 
tor deposits you in it, telling you to 
hold your oars firmly while he shoves 
you out into the stream. 

You attempt to make a stroke, but 
your seat seems to give way and run 
madly toward the stern, then, having 
encountered an obstacle, it stops short, 
almost throwing you out. On investi¬ 
gating you discover that it is meant to 
slide up and down a track. Gingerly 
you practice the movements a few 
times and again strike out, but much 
more gently. 

This time the boat seems to leap en¬ 
tirely out of the water, so light is its 
construction, and you, being accus¬ 
tomed to the sluggish movements of a 
dory, can hardly believe that the speed 



“When you reach the boat house.” 





























































































































































































































































































































































































































ROWING 


137 


attained is the result of your exer¬ 
tions. About this time it occurs to 
you that some steering is necessary. 
Accordingly you turn suddenly in 
your seat and look around. There is 
a sharp lurch and the boat is half 
filled with water. 

When you have bailed most of it 
out with your cap you screw your head 
about very gently, find that the boat is 
way off her course and pull one of the 
oars violently to point the bow in the 
right direction. This time she capsizes 
and you go overboard. 

With the aid of the crowd which has 
collected along the banks and in all 
sorts of craft to watch your evolutions 
you tow the boat ashore, dump the water 
out and try again. Finally, after many 
such discomfitures, you get the hang 
of the thing and proceed up the river. 



138 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


For a while you seem to be flying 
along with hardly any effort, but gradu¬ 
ally it dawns upon you that the sliding 
seat is made of a peculiarly insinuating 
kind of wood and that there appears 
to be no great amount of skin left on 
your hands. Naturally you turn 
around and start back. 

Harder and harder grows the seat, 
the oars burn your hands, your legs 
become cramped, the leather foot- 
holders cut your feet, the muscles of 
your back and arms ache, your kidneys 
seem to be playing tag with your heart, 
and you feel in imminent danger of 
sunstroke. When you reach the boat 
house you have to be lifted out and 
carried to the dressing-room, and only 
after an hour’s hard rubbing do you 
feel sufficiently recovered to crawl into 
your clothes and limp home. Sympa- 



ROWING 


139 


tlietic friends offer you a carriage, but 
the very idea of sitting down makes 
you faint, and the following day every 
one in church marvels at the sudden 
excess of devotion which causes you to 
stand and kneel so industriously. 






SKATING 


T HERE are four varieties of 
skates—roller, deep sea, ice 
and alcoholic. 

I will not speak of the 
species resembling a flounder, nor of 
the one which causes floundering, but 
will confine myself to roller and ice 
skating. 

Every small boy at one time in his 
career runs up his parents' clothing bill 
to an alarming extent by his well mean¬ 
ing efforts to help the street cleaning 
department. The main causes of dis¬ 
aster are stray twigs and matches, 
which catch the front rollers of his 
skates, and throw the novice face 
downwards. This usually ruins the 

141 


142 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


knees and elbows of his suit. Some¬ 
times while standing still he will sud¬ 
denly lose his balance and sit down 
with emphasis. This is fatal to the 
seat of his trousers. While another 
way of destroying the stem rear guar¬ 
dians of his modesty is to skate back¬ 
wards over a crack in the sidewalk. 

The finishing touch is acquired by 
carrying a leaky oil can in his coat 
pocket. This causes large brown spots 
to appear on the surface of his cloth¬ 
ing, and in a short time its color 
scheme will change as completely as 
that of an irate chameleon. Other ac¬ 
cidents are originated by broken axles, 
loosened clamps, slippery pavements 
and lost pins. 

Ice skating, on the contrary, is a 
clean sport, and although your pride 
has many falls, they are not as disas- 




































































* 





























































































































































































































































































































































































































SKATING 


145 


trous to your wearing apparel, on ac¬ 
count of the smoothness of the ice. 

When you make your first attempt 
it seems as if your ankles will never 
stop bending in and out, and most of 
your preliminary practice is taken on 
the sides of your feet. After having 
lost five or six pairs of heels from the 
strain put upon them by the rear 
clamping device, you decide to try to 
learn a few fancy tricks. 

The figure 8 is the time-worn dia¬ 
gram on which you generally begin. 
After a couple of dozen attempts at an 
outside edge, which invariably end in 
an ignominious slide on your ear, you 
finally are able to make a sickly looking 
pair of loops which bear a faint resem¬ 
blance to the figure in question. You 
next try to master another prehistoric 
movement called the grape vine. This 
10 s p oH 



146 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


consists of a series of short evolutions 
in a straight line which derive their 
title from an alleged similarity to the 
above mentioned creeper. You usually 
learn the first movement easily, but 
never get any farther, your progress 
being invariably impeded by a compli¬ 
cated fall after wrapping your legs 
around each other in imitation of the 
twisted strands of a rope. 

An extremely effective “ stunt ” 
which is not strictly a figure is the 
jumping from a forward outside edge 
on one leg to the backward inside or 
outside edge on the other. This is a 
very pretty movement provided you 
land on the other leg and not on the 
back of your head. 

There are many drawbacks to ice 
skating, such as cracks, open water, 
rheumatism, cold feet, frozen ears and 



SKATING 


147 


collisions. But, on the other hand, 
there is nothing more exciting than a 
good half-mile race (provided you win) 
or the instructing of your best girl in 
the art, provided she doesn’t weigh 
more than one hundred and fifty 
pounds. 






























































































































































































































































































\ 


GAWF 


G AWF is a great game, but 
shiver me niblicks if I think 
it comes up to tiddledy winks. 
Gawf is played with a 
couple of farms, a river or so, two or 
three sand hills, a number of imple¬ 
ments resembling enlarged dentists’ 
tools, a strange language, much like 
Hindoostani, any old clothes and a 
large assortment of oaths. Other 
necessaries are tee-caddies, tomato 
cans, small one-pounders, non-explo¬ 
sive shells, an arithmetic book and a 
singularly truthful disposition. 

The playing of the game is simple 
enough, but to know what particular 
club to use on each and every occasion 

149 


150 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


requires years of study and constant 
practice. 

It was always a wonder to me why 
the driver, with varying manipulation, 
could not he used all the way through. 
But this would have rendered the game 
too simple, so the cranks formed a lofty 
cleek which decided that several differ¬ 
ent styles of clubs should he employed 
and put the rule in operation, thereby 
stymieing any poor layman who could 
not afford to buy a whole boiler fac¬ 
tory. Mashies are mostly used by 
young men and their best girls, who 
are thinking of trying the links, while 
aeronauts prefer lofters. 

The most interesting appurtenance 
to gawf is the tee-caddie. If this 
strange being lived in the city he 
would undoubtedly be a newsboy. No 
man is a hero to his caddie. He is 













































































GAWF 


153 


employed to carry on his shoulders 
about a hundredweight of scrap iron 
in a leather bag and to find the ball in 
fields covered with two or three feet of 
grass after it has been sent out of sight 
a half mile or so. For this he receives 
fifteen cents every round of ten miles 
—when he gets it. Usually the money 
is owed to him. It is a bad plan, how¬ 
ever, to owe the caddie money, for he 
is much more likely to keep his eye on 
you than on the ball. And eyes are 
annoying things to have sticking to 
you—they get in the road at times. 

Bogey is the record of the biggest 
liar who has ever been on a particular 
set of links. To make a record at 
gawf costs quite a sum of money, for 
you have to fix the caddie, and if he is 
an old hand at the game, he makes it 
decidedly expensive. 



154 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


Other things being equal, the man 
with the most peculiar get up wins the 
match. The red coats, so much talked 
about for a time, were only worn for 
originality’s sake and are now quite out 
of fashion. So also are gawf breeches. 
The only way to make a hit in these 
days of eccentricity is to either play in 
rags or in a frock coat and silk hat. 

The green may be either a new 
player or a small grass plot in the cen¬ 
tre of which is a sunken tomato can. 
At Newport and other swell places 
they use caviar tins, but the ordinary 
can satisfies the plebeian taste of the 
local gawfer. Here you can spend an 
hour with remarkable ease in trying to 
persuade your ball to be canned. 

There are many ways of scoring : If 
you are treed by a vicious cow at the 
fourth hole for, say three hours, your 




“The only way to make a hit in these days.” 

155 













































































































































GAWP 


157 


card should show 3 up and 5 to play. 
If you drive your ball through a plate 
glass window, you are 1 up and $6 to 
pay. If you hit a passing farmer you 
are generally done up and no play. 
If you kill the caddie by a back hand 

stroke you are locked up and H- 

to pay. 












































SWIMMING 


S URF swimming means a series 
of duckings proportionate to 
the number of times you take a 
breath; hence pugilists, politi¬ 
cal orators and other long winded peo¬ 
ple have a necessarily easier time than 
the ordinary bather. 

There is something refreshingly un¬ 
certain about the surf which makes it 
fascinating. For instance, you may be 
standing several yards away from a 
beautiful and innocent young maiden, 
who is coyly toying with the breakers, 
when suddenly a comber comes along, 
picks her up with her shapely silk- 
surrounded supports waving wildly in 
the air, and deposits her in your arms. 

159 


160 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


You need not hurry to any great ex¬ 
tent in unlacing the death-grip she 
secures on your neck, and if you are 
sufficiently slow, by the time you are 
disentangled you have become fast 
friends. After one or two experiences 
of this kind you will become expert in 
judging the distance waves usually 
carry people, and you will find your¬ 
self selecting beforehand the particular 
fair maiden with whom you wish to 
become more closely acquainted. 

Diving from a spring-board in still 
water is by far the better sport, and the 
number of ways in which an expert can 
get into the swim is quite surprising. 

The main thing is to protect your 
solar plexus. If, after springing some 
fifteen feet into the air, you do not 
strike head first, you are exceedingly 
likely to be counted out in one round. 



~Y~ 





“When suddenly a comber comes along and—” 
11 sp°rt 161 













































SWIMMING 


163 


But a few such experiences soon pro¬ 
duce the necessary precaution and 
you gradually master all the various 
“stunts,” such as back diving, hand 
stand diving, back and front somer¬ 
saults, etc. 

To obtain the most perfect enjoy¬ 
ment of this graceful art you should 
go up to the New England coast, where 
the water is so clear that on a still day 
you can see bottom at four fathoms. 
This is where under water swimming 
comes in. I remember when taking 
my first dive in a New England bay. 
I opened my eyes as I struck the water 
and was scared stiff to see rocks appar¬ 
ently within two or three feet of the 
surface. A sounding afterwards showed 
eighteen feet. 

Most beautiful effects may be ob¬ 
served on these rocky coasts when you 



164 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


dive and swim along near the bottom. 
Wonderful submarine plants and 
strangely shaped shells in myriads of 
colors charm the eye. Graceful fan¬ 
like flowers wave gently as you pass 
and curious rainbow hued jellyfish 
float majestically along with yards of 
filmy tentacles trailing in the current. 
You see crabs, sea spiders and starfish 
galore, and now and then a gudgeon 
or a small bass flashes by frightened 
into hysterics at your approach. Then, 
turning, you look up and see a most 
grotesque spectacle. Some ten feet 
above you on the surface are the un¬ 
gainly forms of other swimmers, their 
legs assuming gigantic proportions as 
they are magnified by the water and 
their awkward movements contrasting 
strangely with the absolute peace and 
weird grace of the submarine world. 



SWIMMING. 


165 


Then, as your breath gives out, and 
you rise to the surface for a fresh sup¬ 
ply of air, the same feeling pervades 
you as when you come out of the doors 
of a great cathedral into an ordinary 
city street. From absolute calm and 
subdued but perfect beauty you emerge 
into the bright sunlight and hear the 
shouts and splashes of the bathers. 

Only on one occasion did I fail to 
appreciate the charms of this beautiful 
under water fairyland, and that was 
when, after taking a particularly spec¬ 
tacular dive before an admiring audi¬ 
ence, I drove head first through the 
centre of a stinging jellyfish, and arose 
with a necklace resembling cold con¬ 
somme clinging around my neck and 
making my hair look like a saturated 
mucilage brush. 





FOOTBALL 


F OOTBALL is an indecent game 
and should be prohibited to¬ 
gether with theatrical undress¬ 
ing acts. 

That respectable parents should 
allow their innocent young daughters 
to deliberately go out in public and 
watch twenty-two gentlemen of their 
acquaintance striving to disrobe each 
other in broad daylight in an open lot, 
is little short of scandalous. Yet, 
regularly every autumn the morals of 
thousands of fair young girls are 
jeopardized in this manner. 

Preparatory training begins early in 
September while the weather is still 

warm, in order that the players may 

167 



168 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


become gradually accustomed to having 
their clothing torn to pieces in the 
chilly winds of November without 
suffering too much discomfort. 

The costumes of the contestants are 
bound firmly upon their bodies w T ith 
all sorts of patches and harness until it 
would seem well nigh impossible to 
remove them ; but the game has been 
developed to such a high state of per¬ 
fection that after the first kick-off it 
only takes a few moments for one or 
the other team to remove at least a few 
jerseys and stockings from their oppo¬ 
nents, thereby scoring a touch. 

There are many formations and 
tricks which may be played more or 
less successfully, besides the usual run¬ 
ning of the backs behind interferences. 
In passing, I may say that “ interferers ” 
are used for the purpose of keeping 
the runner’s clothes intact as long as 



(( 


The costumes of contestants are bound firmly 
on their bodies.” 



169 





FOOTBALL 


171 


possible while he is on his feet, and to 
replace what they can when he is 
downed. 

Guards back usually means the loss 
of a padded shoulder and arm from the 
jersey. Bucking the centre is fatal to 
stockings and shoes. Tackles or ends 
back is sure to endanger head gears 
and muzzles, while the quarter-back 
kick means the runner’s blushing 
retirement to the side lines in search 
of a new pair of pajamas, and the utter 
demoralization of the young ladies on 
the grand stand. This is described as 
a safety. 

A great deal of study is required in 
learning the signals correctly, so that 
you can distinguish at once the differ¬ 
ence between 4-11-44, which means 
“ take off the right tackle’s collar and 
necktie,” and 16-1, which means “ dis¬ 
pose of the quarter-back’s shirt.” 




172 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


The composition of a team requires 
long and careful study. For instance, 
a competent football coach would 
never think of placing a man with a 
dark skin at guard if the centre rush 
had a fair complexion. The result 
would he inharmonious. He would 
insert an auburn-haired youth between 
them, sending the dark young man to 
tackle, and thus grading the color 
scheme down gently from light to dark. 
This is what is called team play, and no 
first-class eleven should be without it. 

The game is divided into halves 
with ten minutes intermission between 
for re-dressing and scrubbing the con¬ 
testants. The washing is particularly 
necessary, as otherwise the effect of the 
“ tout ensemble ” might be consider¬ 
ably jarred by the appearance of 
unnatural green and brown tones in 
the line-up. 



DUCK SHOOTING 


R AIN storms, fog, miasma, 

Cramps and colds and asthma ;— 

That’s your usual luck 

When you go to chase the duck. 

Adverse tides and flurries, 

Sand banks, rocks and worries :— 

Mayhap you have heard 
That's the way to find the bird! 

Salty eggs and cooking.— 

Coffee muddy-looking:— 

That’s the case no doubt 
When you’re really camping out. 

To lose half your decoys 

Is one of many joys 

In the hunter’s life so free ;— 

Full of fun and jollitee. 

Then your shells get damp and swell:— 

And you wish they were in—well;— 

That’s another bit of fun 
When the gunner takes his gun. 


173 


174 


THE JOYS OF SPORT. 


Then after seven days 
Of joy and song and praise 
And prayers for better luck, 

You return without a duck. 

The above lines are an attempt at 
describing the most common method 
of shooting ducks. 

You get up in the middle of the 
night and row over to some point of 
land or flat which the birds are known 
to frequent. You then set out your 
decoys and pray that the birds will 
condescend to pass near enough to be 
attracted by them. Sometimes they do. 
More often they do not. This is cold 
and hard work, and it takes a really 
enthusiastic sportsman to chase this 
kind of duck successfully. 

Another way, which requires even 
more steadfastness of purpose and 
monumental endurance is to hunt ducks 



^ (! 




“Then, if you miss—” 


175 















































































































































































































DUCK SHOOTING 


177 


at the breaking up of the winter ice 
on the river. 

You paint your boat white and put 
on a white linen or canvas suit, over 
your usual clothes. Your gun is 
chalked white—so also is your hat. 
You then row out into the ice floe, 
where the chances are about even that 
your frail skiff will be crushed or 
pushed under by the huge masses of 
piled-up drift. 

When in the middle of the stream 
you see the ducks feeding in the dis¬ 
tance, showing black against the gen¬ 
eral whiteness of the landscape. 

It may take an hour or it may take 
three before you work the boat within 
gun shot. Then, if you miss, that’s 
all you’ll get for your pains, as every 
duck within hearing will promptly get 
up and “ git.” If there are two men 
in the boat, each with a double gun, 

12 



178 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


and if neither misses, you may get 
four or five birds at the most. So any 
way you look at it, you can hardly be 
called a game hog in this kind of 
hunting. 

The greatest sport of all is to shoot 
“ pinnies, ” (a small river duck) from 
a fast sail boat. You locate them in 
pairs, or singly, by means of field 
glasses, then, after working your boat 
to windward, bear down upon them 
before the wind—the sail thus conceal¬ 
ing the hunters. When you get within 
shooting distance you jibe the boom 
over and let loose your arsenal. In 
this style of shooting you must not 
only be a quick and accurate shot, but 
also a skilful sailor. In truth, on a 
cold autumn day, with a two-reef 
breeze blowing, this is about the nearest 
approach to ideal sport that can be 
found. 



HAND BALL 


T O successfully play hand ball 
you must be the possessor of 
a buoyant disposition which 
will permit you to be bounced 
about, knocked up against stone walls 
and scraped over asphalt floors without 
suffering the slightest inconvenience 
therefrom. 

The game is played in a kind of bear 
pit, into which you are lowered and 
the door closed upon you. You then 
realize how Daniel felt when he was 
the star boarder in a similar den. 

A skylight or an arc light enables 
you to admire a thrilling landscape 
consisting chiefly of four walls, on one 
of which a chalk line has been drawn 

179 


180 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


two or three feet above, and parallel 
with the floor. 

You take a rubber ball, and, standing 
beside your opponent, bit it as bard as 
you can with the palm of your hand 
toward the wall and above the chalk 
line, so that it will rebound and put 
out his eye. Failing this, and if the 
other man is able to hit it back, a 
slugging match begins, in which the 
main object is to have your hand 
assume the general complexion of a 
raw beefsteak. The greatest fun to be 
obtained from this game is to hit the 
ball in such a manner that your 
adversary must needs run violently 
from side to side in order to return it. 
As the floor is slippery he usually 
takes a header into each of the walls 
in turn. He who first succumbs to 
concussion of the brain loses the match. 




professional hand ball player.” 


181 










HAND BALD 


183 


The Horny Handed Son of Toil’s 
flipper is not in it with a professional 
hand ball player’s paw. The skin 
becomes so thick, in fact, that it almost 
approaches the toughness of the hide 
of a State politician. But on the other 
hand (and also on the rest of his body) 
the cuticle is almost, if not entirely, 
removed after one or two games and 
usually remains so for an indefinite 
period. 

Yet hand ball is not what might be 
call a skin game, for it must necessarily 
be played in a square court and on the 
level. Excuse me if I seem to make a 
poor joke, but in these sorrowful times 
of floods, elections and strikes a jest in 
type is worth two in the composing 
room, even as a lie in time saves eight. 

The only adequate recompense for 
taking part in this peaceful pastime is 



184 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


the shower bath and rub-down after¬ 
wards. The shower softens the few 
hanging shreds of skin still clinging to 
your body, and these are subsequently 
removed the more easily by the rubber. 
When this “gentle”man is through 
with you, you look like a new-born 
babe or a boiled lobster, and what is 
more, you feel like both. But such is 
life, and if there were no fools in this 
world, no one would be considered 
wise by comparison. So, therefore, 
let us encourage the gentle game of 
hand ball in order that we may look 
down upon the players (from the sky¬ 
light) and rejoice and be exceeding 
glad when we consider how far above 
them we stand. 



CRABBING 


F | ^\HE crab is a sea bug whose 
color is green until he is 
cooked, when he turns red and 
feels blue. After he reaches 
your stomach the same general descrip¬ 
tion will usually fit your condition, 
with the order of colors reversed. A 
crab may be caught either with an oar 
or a net, but the latter method is 
usually preferred by peace-loving 
people. 

Crabs are the scavengers of harbors, 
and can always be found where the 
water is particularly filthy. Yet, 
strange to say, they are considered by 
epicures to be one of the greatest of 
delicacies. In passing, I may say that 

185 



186 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


an epicure is a person who likes his 
food so disguised by elaborate cooking 
that he cannot tell what he is eating. 

To catch crabs, you buy a piece of 
meat which has known better days, tie 
it to a fishing line, take a long pole 
with a net on the end, go out in a flat- 
bottomed boat and cast anchor. The 
reason you always take a flat-bottomed 
boat is that it offers a better place for the 
crabs to exercise in. They can run all 
over it and play tag with each other 
and their captors. 

To really enjoy an afternoon’s crab¬ 
bing, you should take with you a 
couple of girls, a dog and a baby. The 
girls will pull a crab up until they 
catch sight of it, and then shriek so 
loudly for you to come with the net 
that the bashful creature, unaccustomed 
to being picked up by strange young 



“It is generally started by the dog.” 


187 










































































































































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CRABBING 


189 


ladies, retires precipitately to his mud 
flat, completely covered with confusion. 

The excitement begins after about a 
half dozen good healthy crabs have 
been placed in the bottom of the boat. 
It is generally started by the dog, who 
sniffs at them and suddenly finds his 
nose grabbed by a pair of pincers. 
Yelping madly, he will dash up and 
down until he collides with the baby 
and knocks it overboard. When the 
baby is hauled out it is in a state 
bordering on apoplexy, and has to be 
wrung out and spread on the deck to 
dry. I may suggest that anyone having 
a superfluous number of children may 
be relieved of a few without incurring 
the risk of inconvenient investigation 
by doing a little judicious crabbing in 
some sequestered nook where the 
current is particularly swift. 



190 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


After the baby has been rescued, one 
of the girls usually discovers that a 
crab of an investigating turn of mind 
has taken advantage of the momentary 
excitement to explore her draperies. 
The result is too dreadfu? to mention, 
but it generally ends in the blushing 
entremet’s total destruction, both 
morally and physically. 

A crab has a remarkably sinister 
expression of countenance and a 
warped disposition. He is extremely 
backward in coming forward and 
prefers going sideways to either. He 
has a grasping nature and will rarely 
let go anything on which he has laid 
his claws. His eyelashes are long— 
about four inches—and his character 
is crusty, while his forehead is low and 
his taste fishy. Furthermore, he is of 
an argumentative turn of mind and 




CRABBING 


191 


rarely agrees with you. On the whole, 
therefore, he is not a pleasant bed¬ 
fellow, whether taken externally or 
internally, unless you are the owner 
of a singularly good digestion and 
a clear conscience. 


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HUNTING MUD HENS 


T HE hunting of the mud hen in 
the marshes of New Jersey 
is a peculiar form of sport; 
in fact, I question whether it 
should be called a sport at all. 

The birds rarely, if ever, rise, but 
simply run along through the reeds, 
offering an easy target to the shooter 
who is pushed in a gunning skiff to 
within ten or fifteen feet of his quarry. 
I have even seen marsh hens killed 
with poles and oars; yet hundreds of 
men go out daily from Atlantic City, 
Cape May, and other coast towns, re¬ 
turning loaded down with birds and 
actually boasting as if they had done 
something to be proud of. 

Sport 


193 


194 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


The most difficult part of the game 
is to keep your temper in dealing with 
your pusher. 

I went down to the Inlet at Atlantic 
City one September afternoon, having 
previously sent word to a boatman 
that I wanted him to push me for mud 
hens and that he must bring his own 
boat. After keeping me waiting at 
the appointed place for half an hour, 
my man showed up minus the boat. 

I inquired where it was, but he 
seemed surprised, saying that he 
thought I had one. Carefully refrain¬ 
ing from a wild desire to throw him 
off the dock, I told him he must get 
one, and that quickly, for the tide 
would turn in a few minutes. 

He pondered a while and then said 
he had a friend who knew a man who 
owned a sneak box, and he would 
























HUNTING MUD HENS 


197 


straightway set forth to seek him. 
With that he left. 

I sat down on the wharf and watched 
the tide rise, pause and begin to fall 
before my man returned. He was 
rowing a large, flat-bottomed scow. 
This, he said, was all he could find. 
I asked him if he thought he could 
push that thing through the reeds. 
He said he doubted it. I asked him 
if he thought there were any birds in 
the swamps nearby. He answered 
that he didn’t think so. I politely 
inquired what he thought I had hired 
him for. He said he really couldn’t 
say. Finally, he volunteered the in¬ 
formation that there was a place about 
four miles away where it was possible 
to find a bird or two if the wind and 
tide were right. So we started. 

When we got there the tide had 



THE JOYS OF SPORT 


198 

been falling for an hour, but there still 
remained a few places where there was 
water enough to float the scow. These 
my guide completely ignored, and went 
on to a spot where the bank was 
several inches above the water, took in 
his oars, got out his pole and proceeded 
to try to push the boat up the bank. 

I watched his efforts for a time and 
then inquired why he had selected this 
place to hunt in. He replied that he 
had seen a bird shot here last year, 
and therefore it must be a good place. 
Marvelling greatly at his subtle powers 
of reasoning, I watched him perspire 
for a few more minutes and then, losing 
all patience, ordered him back to where 
there was still a little water on the 
marsh. 

It soon became evident, however, 
that the boatman did not know the 



HUNTING MUD HENS 


199 


first rudiments of poling, although it 
must be admitted that he worked hard 
enough to have pushed a canal boat up 
the side of a mountain. I might 
suggest, by the way, that a pusher 
should always provide himself with a 
pole stout enough to bear his weight 
when it sticks fast in the mud and 
carries him overboard, for it may be 
several minutes before his partner can 
paddle the skiff back to where he 
hangs swinging in the breeze. 

As dinner time was approaching I 
decided that I had had enough sport 
for one day, so we returned. 

When we landed he actually had 
the nerve to ask me if I wanted to 
“shoot” again tbe next day! My 
reply was lengthy, including his entire 
family tree and likewise all his future 
progeny up to the third and fourth 
generation. 








COASTING 


Z IPP! WHIZZ! Dlenwalkee 
a milee ! This is the China¬ 
man’s idea of tobogganing, 
and describes that ephemeral 
sport to perfection. 

Unless you live in the country, I 
would strongly advise you not to try 
any form of coasting. You get up in 
the morning, see the streets covered 
with snow, and promptly jump to the 
conclusion that the coasting in the 
country must be fine. So you lug your 
sled to the railway station, covering 
your clothes with the rust left on the 
runners from last year, and after a 
lengthy altercation with the gateman, 
who refuses to allow you to pass with 

201 


202 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


your load until a timely tip closes his 
eyes, you are given permission to try 
to get through the straight and narrow 
way leading to the trains, if you can. 

The place is just wide enough to 
allow a medium-sized person to pass, so, 
of course, the runners of your sled 
catch in the fence and at the same time 
you step on the leading rope. This 
ties you into an immovable knot 
exactly in the centre of the passage. 
At this moment the conductor shouts 
“ All aboard !” and there is a rush of 
people for the gate, where you are 
performing the functions of a dam. 
(At least, this is what they appear to 
be vociferously telling you.) Finally 
two or three porters come to your 
assistance and you are quickly taken 
into the baggage car in order to escape 
a threatened lynching. 




II m \ 

“ Footsore and weary you climb to the top of 
the kopje.” 203 










COASTING 


205 


After an hour’s ride you get out at a 
little wayside station and look around 
for the snow. But not a vestige is to 
be seen, and on making inquiry, you 
discover that it has not snowed here 
since the winter before and that the 
snow you saw in the city was a purely 
local demonstration. 

I will say right here that it is never 
safe to go beyond the city limits for 
coasting. The country has no Street 
Cleaning Department, and therefore 
no superfluous snow is allowed to 
accumulate. While in the city, on the 
contrary, snow may be found any time 
during the winter, excepting just on 
the corners of the streets where the 
policemen keep it off with their portly 
figures. Of course, if it snows for 
more than six consecutive hours, these 
spots will be temporarily covered, while 



206 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


the doughty guardians of the peace 
withdraw for meals. 

Nevertheless* let us suppose that a 
miracle has come to pass, and you have 
actually gone out to the country with 
a toboggan and your best girl and 
have found a good hill with a hard 
crust of snow spreading over it. You 
place your toboggan on the top, put 
the young lady in front, so that she 
will keep the flying snow and dirt off 
you and also act as a buffer in case you 
hit anything, and then if you want to 
be comfortable and safe, you sit down 
behind her and steer with a stick. But 
if you think you know it all, you will 
kneel and steer with your foot. In the 
latter case, after about six flights over 
a rough country road, you are reason¬ 
ably sure of having water on the knee. 

One of the many pleasant things 



COASTING 


207 


that can happen to you while going 
down hill is to have the toboggan turn 
and slide sideways. It is only a question 
of time when you will be dumped into 
a drift. And oh! what a lovely 
sensation it is, to feel the snow slide 
down your neck and up your sleeves, 
where it melts and then freezes. Your 
enthusiasm can hardly he expressed in 
words—much less in print. 

After excavating your companion 
from the drift, she gives you a cold 
look, which, in your frapped condi¬ 
tion, makes your bones crackle. She 
promptly suggests returning home to 
mother; but you beg her to have just 
one more slide. 

Footsore and weary, you climb to 
the top of the kopje, which seems to 
grow steeper at each ascension, and 
start down again. Half way to the 



208 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


bottom a milk cart suddenly drives 
across the road. * * When you 

come to, you find yourself in the 
baggage coach ahead. 

It usually takes a week’s thawing 
out and mending in the hospital to put 
you on your feet. Then you go to see 
the girl, whom you hear has been 
patched up and put together again, 
although the doctors are not quite 
certain whether all the pieces have 
been found. But when you reach the 
house and give your name, the butler 
informs you that the young lady has 
left word that if you should happen to 
call she is “ out.” 



HORSE RACING 


A JOCKEY is a gentleman 
whose integrity is unim¬ 
peachable by any one but 
the highest bidder. 

He is usually a young man who 
would have been a prize fighter if 
nature had not been so miserly in the 
distribution of his advoirdupois; so he 
makes the best of the circumstances 
and starts in to “bant.” 

When the general outlook of his 
anatomy can only be satisfactorily 
observed through a microscope, he is 
placed upon a large, raw-boned horse, 
which has been made the favorite in 
the betting, and told not to pull him 
until he enters the home stretch. If 

14 Sport 209 


210 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


he pulls him artistically, so that it 
looks as if the horse were tiring, he 
gets his salary raised in proportion to 
the amount of money his owner had on 
the winner (usually a rank outsider). 
If he bungles the job and escapes with 
his life from the hookies and those 
members of the talent who have been 
caught, he will have a hard time 
securing another place. My advice to 
a jockey in this predicament would be 
to take up the shell game or go into 
politics. 

Another popular method of securing 
the long green is to purchase a well 
known and successful race horse, take 
him to a secluded spot, far from the 
haunts of men; then, after a few slight 
alterations, such as docking his tail, 
banging his mane and either dyeing 
or bleaching him to some other color, 



» 



“He is placed upon a large, raw-boned horse.” 


211 













HORSE RACING 


213 


you can spring him on the unsuspect¬ 
ing public as a new racer, thereby 
securing a good sized handicap in the 
matter of weight, etc. 

If he is a trotter or pacer and can do 
a mile in 2.15, the best plan is to go to 
a country fair and enter him in the 
three-minute class. With a little luck 
and good weather you should be able 
to sweat enough rhino out of the hay¬ 
seeds to pay off the mortgage on your 
farm. If the weather is bad and your 
trotter is dyed, he may break into a 
run. So keep out of the wet. 

When you squeeze the public’s purse 
with this kind of a horse, both you 
and he are generally known as “wring¬ 
ers.” But, after all, “ what’s in a 
name?” as Baron Bothschild says, 
when he writes his on a cheque. 

When the owner of a rival stable 



214 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


doctors one of your racers, the effect is 
the same as in poker when somebody 
doctors the pack. You don’t win. 
But, if you are a really up-to-date 
horseman, you will permit him to dope 
your nag, meanwhile carefully con¬ 
cealing the fact that you are on, and 
then put all your plunks on the other 
man’s entry. 

When you go to collect your hard- 
earned winnings, and fall under sus¬ 
picion, all you have to do is to get 
your rival arrested, and there you are. 
Simple, isn’t it? What’s the use of 
trying to be elected to city councils if 
you can play a sure thing like this ? 



CROQUET 


I T would hardly be supposed that 
such a peaceful game as croquet 
could ever have been a destroyer 
of life-long friendships and a 
miner of happy homes; yet twenty 
years ago this was undoubtedly the 
case, and perhaps was the very cause 
of its final decline and fall into ob¬ 
scurity. 

The tremendous vogue of croquet in 
the early eighties has only been 
equalled by the sudden craze for 
bicycling a few years since, or the 
still more recent stampede to golf. 

Whenever a loving couple planted 
the striped stakes and deadly wickets 

on their front lawn, it was only a ques¬ 
ts- 


216 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


tion of a] week or so before a new 
application was filed in the divorce 
court. For the wife had caught her 
husband slyly giving his ball a kick 
to get it in front of a wicket, while he 
in his turn, after flatly contradicting 
her assertion, would insist that her ball 
had moved more than a mallet’s length 
on her last try for a shot, and there¬ 
fore she was not entitled to another 
attempt. Tears and mutual recrimin¬ 
ations followed, and the bride would 
go home to mamma. 

So likewise did this deadly game 
poison the minds of old-time friends; 
indeed, the cancerous growth sometimes 
spread throughout entire families, 
simply because Uncle Abner Jones 
had accused Aunt Eliza Smith of ad¬ 
justing a wicket so that her ball might 
conveniently pass through it or that 



G C 



“ So likewise did this deadly game poison the 
minds of old-time friends.” 2 17 













CROQUET 


219 


the estimable dame had caught the 
ball with her skirt, and moved it a few 
feet nearer the stake. Then the lady 
whose style of play had been thus 
cruelly criticized stated that no gentle¬ 
man would ever think of accusing an 
old friend of cheating, called for the 
smelling salts, and subsided gracefully 
onto a rustic bench. All the other 
relatives promptly rushed to her assist¬ 
ance, and, having revived her suffi¬ 
ciently, bore her triumphantly off the 
field, not even designing to take notice 
of Uncle Abner’s humble apologies. 

Next Sunday after church they 
would pass “ Ab ” the ice pitcher, and 
his relations, taking sides with him, 
would, at the very next Assembly Ball, 
give “ Liz ” the frozen face. 

Thus did many an old family be¬ 
come wired and likewise did many a 



220 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


loving couple run up against a split 
shot which drove hubby out of bounds 
and his “ Better Three-quarters ” into 
the long grass-widow-weeds. 



BOWLING 


A CH! GOTT! How I likes dot 
game of ten-pins to vatch, 
alretty! 

Bowling is promoted princi¬ 
pally for the benefit of the German 
population of New York city. The 
Irishman cannot see why a brick 
should not be used to knock over the 
pins, while the Italian insists on 
throwing knives around, which would 
splinter up the alley. And, since these 
three varieties of the human race are 
the only Americans to be found in 
Gotham, bowling falls into the hands 
of the Germans as gracefully and 
naturally as the free-born American 

221 


222 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


citizen falls into the hands of the 
police on election night. 

A Dutchman rarely makes a spare— 
he is too stout. But he strikes a good 
thing sometimes and knocks down all 
the pins. The balls weigh about fifty 
pounds apiece and have two holes in 
which to place the fingers for grasp¬ 
ing the globes firmly. 

Now and then, after swinging a 
sphere high over his head, the bowler 
is unable to remove his pretzel holders 
from the holes in time. Then he 
accompanies the ball down the alley 
on his stomach. In golf this would be 
called “foozeling his approach,” but 
the bowler contents himself with 
addressing the situation as “ Heiliges 
Kreuz Himmel Sternen Donner- 
wetter! ” 

When a ball is being rolled back 




11 


—dodging flying pieces of wood.” 


223 


































































































































































































































BOWLING 


225 


along the chute just as the bowler 
starts to pick up another from the 
stand, and he gets his fingers crushed, 
he might, in base ball parlance, be 
said to be “put out.” The victim, 
however, sizes up this particular play 
by exclaiming “ Donnerwetter ! ” three 
or four times in rapid succession. 

After the sixth or seventh round, 
the score begins to grow large, and is, 
consequently, more difficult to compute. 
Then, when the score-keeper has been 
accused of cheating and reciprocates 
by calling his accuser a liar, the state 
of the game would be referred to in 
foot ball as “ tackles back ” or a 
“scrimmage.” But, nine times out of 
ten, the contestants will remark “Ver- 
dammter Lumpensack! ” 

When a player drops a ball on his 
toe, it would be spoken of in cricket 

15 Sport 



22 f» 


THE JOYS OF SPORT 


as “ stumped.” He calls it “ Vermale- 
deite Ungeschicklichkeit! ” 

The hardest job connected with 
bowling, aside from keeping the beer 
mugs full, is that of setting up the 
pins. The boys employed are prac¬ 
tically bowling “ caddies,” but instead 
of being expected to go after the 
balls, as in golf, the balls are 
thrown at them. And they spend 
their lives in durance vile, dodging 
flying pieces of wood as enthusiast¬ 
ically as most of us do the tax 
collector, and receiving all the super¬ 
fluous bad language that has not been 
hurled at the other appurtenances of 
this wicked game. 






























































































































































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